


Your Life is not a TV Drama (But what if it is?)

by phantomdieb



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I can't believe I fell for another rarepair, M/M, Masturbation, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4926502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomdieb/pseuds/phantomdieb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kawanishi knows that Shirabu will never look at him like he looks at Ushijima<br/>Yet he can't help himself but falling for him more and more, until it's killing him inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Life is not a TV Drama (But what if it is?)

**Author's Note:**

> the short name of this story is "GDI KIM"

He knew he was doomed the moment Shirabu turned to him and smiled. It wasn't that Shirabu was particularly outstanding or flashy, but yet something about him still caught Kawanishi's eyes.  
  
Maybe it was the way he looked like when he played volleyball. Passionate and fierce. But if you knew him better, you could see something else. He was enjoying it. He was excited. Whenever the ball touched his hands, there was a slight change in his expression. But it was gone as soon as he tossed the ball to one of the spikers, who was ready to break through the opponent's block.  
  
Maybe it was the way he was trying to improve with everything he got, watching other setters and studying them. Watching his teammates, and thinking about how he could make them be stronger than they already were.  
  
Maybe it was the way he was looking out for his teammates. In his own way. He wasn't a person who would praise someone a lot. But he was still making sure that everyone was fine.  
  
Maybe it was something entirely different, something he couldn't name yet.  
  
But it made Kawanishi fall in love with the setter and he didn't know what to do about it.  
  
  
When he first realized it, he backed away from their usual closeness, but not so much that someone would be able to tell something was wrong. He was keeping his distance from Shirabu without hiding from him.  
  
It was hard at first, but after some time it became so natural to him, that he didn't remember how it felt before. That didn't mean that he was liking it, though.  
If he had a choice, he would stay close to him, get drunk by his touches and intoxicated by his laughter.  
  
But he couldn't.  
  
Because he knew that Shirabu's heart was beating for someone else already.  
  
He knew, Shirabu's heart belonged to Ushijima.  
  
  
It became a challenge when Shirabu would invite him over for study sessions. It wasn't really that either of them needed help, but it was nicer to study with some company and they had done it before.  
This time though, Shirabu seemed to notice something was wrong because he put down his pen and looked at Kawanishi over the table.  
  
“Hey, Kawanishi? Are you okay?”  
  
He wasn't.  
  
He had thought about how physically close they were, even if they weren't touching, and how easy it would be to close the distance between them.  
It could be so easy to reach out and take his hand, cup his face with his other hand and kiss him.  
But an invisible barrier kept him from doing so and it hurt.  
  
“...I'm fine. This lesson just has me zoning out a bit.”  
  
“Maybe we should take a break. You look really tired.”  
  
“No, really. I'm fine. Let's continue.”  
  
For a moment he was worried Shirabu might notice that he was lying to his face, so he felt like a big weight had been lifted from his shoulders when Shirabu just muttered a quiet “okay.”  
Yet after some time has passed Shirabu was staring at him again.  
  
“Kawanishi, if this lesson is giving you a hard time, we can go back to it.”  
  
“I think I got it.”  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Very.”  
  
  
Kawanishi kept studying when Shirabu got up and stretched a little. He didn't look up, but he could see from the corner of his eyes that the cozy pullover Shirabu was wearing rode up a little and revealed the tinest bit of his stomach.  
Kawanishi's throat suddenly felt dry and he stared down onto his paper, but he couldn't focus at all.  
  
Only when Shirabu left the room, he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.  
This wasn't good for him.  
But he couldn't just push him away. This would be even worse.  
With a sigh he closed his eyes.  
Just for a few seconds, he told himself. He just needed to calm down a little.  
  
But before he knew, he fell asleep.  
  
  
When Shirabu came back, he found Kawanishi sitting over his papers, still clutching his pen. But it was obvious that he was sleeping. His head was hanging, leaning on his chest and it looked like he was about to fall forwards onto the table in any second.  
  
Before that could happen, Shirabu, who went to the kitchen to get some snacks and juice for them, put away the tray and wrapped his arm around Kawanishi's shoulders.  
He reached behind him and took a pillow from his couch, to gently put Kawanishi down and rest his head on it. Shirabu took the pen from him before he left the room again and came back with a blanket to cover him.  
Once that was done, he turned off the big light and just kept a small one, so that he wouldn't disturb Kawanishi's sleep.  
  
Kawanishi hadn't slept better in weeks.

–

  
  
But this peaceful, yet fragile and tense situation should change.  
  
Kawanishi had woken up in a particularly bad mood. He had overslept and not only did he miss morning practice because of that, but he also had to skip breakfast to not be late to his first lesson.  
  
But that was only the start.  
  
He had no lunch with him and he had forgotten his wallet at home. Just his luck.  
It didn't help that he almost ran into Shirabu earlier, who was talking to Ushijima with that expression on his face that was reserved for the captain only. Except that Ushijima didn't even notice.  
  
He never noticed.  
  
But it still wasn't enough.  
  
Kawanishi got scolded for not having his homework, when he, in fact, did them. The only problem was that he had forgotten them on his desk at home.  
And he got completely pissed when an underclass man spilled his juice over him.  
But he told himself to calm down. It couldn't get much worse.  
With an unusual scowl on his face he went to evening practice, hoping to get to let some of the steam that built up inside him.  
But he wouldn't get his chance.  
  
  
“Hey, Taichi. What's with that face? You look like Wakatoshi when you tell him there's no hayashi rice in a restaurant,” Tendou grinned.  
  
He knew it wasn't ill-intentioned. Tendou was just teasing him, like he teased everyone. He shouldn't get angry at this.  
  
Yet his whole day had been so shitty that being compared to Ushijima, who wasn't even aware of the luck he had to be loved by someone like Shirabu, hit a nerve.  
It must have shown on his face, because Tendou started to laugh, along with some of the members.  
  
Great. They were laughing at him. Just what he needed.  
  
But what really made him snap, was when he saw that Shirabu was laughing, too.  
Him of all.  
And it hurt.  
It hurt so much.  
Without another glance he grabbed his bag and left the gym, ignoring the confused calls of his teammates, saying that they were only joking.  
  
He was sick of it.  
He was so sick of it.  
  
“I'll never be someone like Ushijima! Never!”  
  
Back at home, he realized he was alone. His parents had left to visit his grandparents so they wouldn't be home for a few days.  
With a sigh, he took his phone out of his back and threw the bag on the floor.  
He quickly changed before he went into the kitchen. He wasn't hungry, so he just poured himself some water. Kawanishi put down the glass when he felt like punching something. Anything. Just to distract him from that pain he felt in his chest.  
The phone in his pocket vibrated so Kawanishi took it out. He had a few missed calls and some messages. All from his teammates. But he wasn't in the mood to answer them. That was when he saw the notification for the only voice mail he got.  
It was from Shirabu.  
  
He hated himself for being so weak. He knew he shouldn't do this to himself. His heart was screaming at him, telling him that he was an idiot when he pressed the buttons to hear it.  
  
  
Shirabu apologized for laughing at him in the gym, saying that Tendou was an idiot for saying what he did.  
He also asked him if there was anything he could do for him. If he should come over or if he maybe just wanted to talk.  
Because he did notice that Kawanishi was in a bad mood.  
He just didnt think it was _that_ bad.  
Shirabu apologized again for laughing, saying he should have said something to Tendou instead laughing at him.  
  
There was some silence and Kawanishi wondered if the voice mail had ended without him noticing, when he suddenly heard Shirabu's voice again.  
Quieter than before. Softer.  
  
“I don't know if something happened or if it was just a bad day, but I'm here if you need someone.”  
  
Kawanishi had never heard him say something like this before.  
  
“After all I am your setter, and your friend.”  
  
_His friend._  
  
Nothing more.  
  
Kawanishi put away his phone and buried his face in his hands. Tears stung in the corner of his eyes and he felt so frustrated. He was glad that he was home alone. He didn't want anyone to see him like this. So broken that he was having trouble to breathe properly from trying to hold back the sobs.  
Kawanishi focussed on his breathing, and when he calmed down, he let out an empty laugh.  
  
Wasn't it ironic?  
That of all the people, _Shirabu_ wanted to talk about his mood. He, who, while not being at fault, was still the reason for it.  
  
He texted him back and it hurt him so badly when he hit send, because all his message was saying was 'Leave me alone' and Kawanishi could imagine the confused and hurt expression on Shirabu's face after he read the message as if he was standing in front of him. He knew it would hurt Shirabu and he hated himself for being the reason, but he had to do it. For himself. Or else he would break completely.  
  
  
Kawanishi put his phone on silent and tossed it somewhere into his room. He needed some distraction right now so he went to the living room and turned on the TV. The lights stayed turned off because Kawanishi didn't bother to turn them on when he went into the room and how he was too lazy to get up again.  
There was some drama series, and Kawanishi tried to follow the story at first, but he couldn't focus at all.  
His thoughts went back to Shirabu. Again and again and again.  
  
The look in his eyes when he tossed the ball.  
  
The small smile on his face when the spiker broke through their opponent's block.  
  
The slight blush of his cheeks when Ushijima praised him for a good toss.  
  
Kawanishi imagined what it would be like if Shirabu looked at him like this.

…

  
  
His cheeks are flushed and his hair is being a mess. He's trapped under him and he looks into his eyes before he wraps his arms around him.  
Shirabu is whispering his name, his first name, as if it was a secret they shared. He is gasping, when Kawanishi kisses a particularly sensitive spot.

…

  
  
Kawanishi wondered what it would sound like if Shirabu moaned. Was he quiet? Or rather loud?  
  
  
He stopped for a moment, when he realized that his hand dropped down into his pants and that he had started to touch himself.  
He felt disgusting. He shouldn't do this. Fantasizing over his teammate like this. If anyone was to find out, they would never want to talk to him again.  
  
But the room was dark and he was alone and desperate, so he closed his eyes again trying, to recall the images of Shirabu.  
  
It didn't take him too long to start moaning. He was moaning Shirabu's name.  
  
Kawanishi imagined what it would be like to touch him, his pale skin under his hands, shivering when he touched him.  
Imagined Shirabu's hands on his back, his beautiful setter hands, scratching his back, not even noticing because he was too focused on the pleasure Kawanishi made him feel.  
  
Kawanishi stroked himself a little faster and threw his head back with a grunt.  
He came moaning Shirabu's name, when his mind gave him an image of the setter lying under him, his hands on his back before pulling him down to his chest and sensually whispering a “come in me” into his ear.  
  
His hand and his pants were covered in semen, and for a moment Kawanishi didn't move,  
his chest heaving like after a particularly exhausting evening practice.  
  
He blushed when he came back to his senses, realizing what he just did. Kawanishi lifted his clean hand to cover his eyes, and for a moment his mind is just blank.  
Everything was so confusing and he didn't know what to do. His mind was screaming at him to forget about Shirabu already, but his heart was screaming louder, telling him it would be the worst thing he could do.  
He didn't know what to believe anymore.  
  
With a sigh he got up to get some tissues to clean up the mess he had made. But after he was done, he still felt dirty so he took off his clothes and went to take a shower.  
Yet he couldn't stop himself from thinking.  
Would Shirabu still be so concerned about him, still smile at him like he did from time to time, if he knew about what Kawanishi just did?  
  
“He would think I'm disgusting,” Kawanishi muttered tiredly to himself.  
  
And he frowned when he looked at his hands. Knowing that Shirabu would never return his feelings. Knowing how much he would be disgusted with what he did.  
  
The knot in his stomach didn't go away when he went to bed.

–

  
  
He went to morning practice next day, and ran promply into Tendou, who tried to apologize for what he did, but Kawanishi just brushed him off.  
The next one approaching him was Shirabu. But Kawanishi wasn't ready yet, so he turned away from him.  
And Shirabu let him, thinking that he must be still mad for what had happened the day before.  
  
  
Kawanishi practiced in silence the entire time. And when the team went to the locker rooms to change, he felt better already. Not good, but definitely better.  
But his mood dropped again when suddenly Ushijima came up to him, asking to talk to him.  
He wanted to reply something rude, but he knew it wasn't Ushijima's fault. He just was so unfortunate to be tangled into this entire mess without even knowing.  
  
  
Kawanishi finished getting dressed before he walked up to his captain, who was already waiting for him.  
  
“Come with me,” he simply said, and so Kawanishi followed him.  
  
When Ushijima stopped and turned back to him, there was no one around them anymore and Kawanishi had never felt more naked under anyone's gaze than this.  
  
“Why did you run away yesterday?”  
  
He wanted to talk about _this_?  
  
“I was in a bad mood. Had a shit day.” It was the truth.  
  
“But that's not all, right?”  
  
He was right.  
“I don't know what you're talking about.”  
  
“Shirabu.”  
  
Kawanishi's blood froze in his veins. How did he-  
  
“He told me, that you've been acting weird for some time now.”  
Oh.  
  
“He's worried about you. And so is the rest of the team.”  
  
“I'm fine,” Kawanishi finally started to talk. “I've been ...thinking about something” - technically it wasn't a lie - “but it's nothing to worry about. Just give me some space and time.”  
  
“You wanna take a break from volleyball?”  
  
Of course Ushijima would think about that first.  
“No. I just need some distance from...” The team? You? Shirabu? “..everything. But I'll attend practice and matches.”  
  
Ushijima looked at him for a few more moments before he nodded.  
“Fine.”  
  
Kawanishi let out an inaudible sigh. This went better then he expected.  
  
“Just one more thing.”  
Ushijima stopped in front of him, but he didn't look at him.  
“Tell Shirabu about this. He's the one who's worried about you the most.”

–

  
  
Kawanishi thought about Ushijima's words for the rest of the day. There wasn't practice in the evening today so he found himself walking home after school.  
  
'He is the one who's worried about you the most.'  
  
Although he knew that keeping distance from everyone was the best thing he could've done for himself, he felt guilty. Of course people would worry about him. He should have thought about it before.  
  
“What am I even doing?”  
  
  
He came home to a message on the phone.  
It was his mother's voice. She told him, that his grandparents needed some more help so they would stay with them a few more days, before saying that she hoped he was eating and sleeping enough, as well as do his homework.  
  
As if he was still a child.  
  
But Kawanishi smiled because he knew that it was her way of showing that she cared about him.  
  
  
After the message ended, he went into the kitchen and made himself a sandwich - he wasn't really in the mood to cook something - and ended up in front of the TV. Kawanishi ended up watching some dull comedy show and he didn't know who thought that the jokes were funny, when most of them were just incredibly sexist or racist. Sometimes even both. It became unbearable, so he changed the channel and ended up with a drama.  
It was the same drama he had running in background when he was masturbating to the thought of Shirabu, he noticed faintly.  
  
Apparently the story was at some kind of peak, with the main character, Mariko, yelling at her love interest before spilling the truth and telling him about her feelings. Her love interest looked so shocked and for some reason he couldn't tear his eyes away. Kawanishi was suddenly watching this scene intensely.  
How would he react? Would he push her away? Tell her that she's stupid to have these kind of feelings?  
  
“So.. you feel the same as I do?”  
  
Of course.  
  
“Wha-what do you mean?” Mariko seemed confused  
  
“You love me?”  
  
Mariko didn't say a word and just nodded.  
  
“It's the same for me.”  
  
Mariko still didn't say anything.  
  
“I love you, too.”  
  
Mariko teared up and so did Kawanishi. For some reason, he was really happy for her. Who was he kidding? He was happy for her because her love interest loved her back. And he wished Shirabu would react the same way.  
  
But his life wasn't a TV drama.  
  
Kawanishi sighed when he turned off the TV, the last frame being Mariko kissing her now boyfriend, and lied down.  
  
He needed some sleep. Badly.  
  
  
He woke up all groggily to the sound of someone ringing the doorbell. It was dark outside, he noticed when he got up and walked to the door.  
  
The doorbell rang again.  
  
“I'm coming already!” he yelled and added a little quieter “Calm the fuck down.”  
  
When he opened the door, he stared at the person standing there.  
It was Shirabu, and Kawanishi's brain stopped working when he noticed his flushed cheeks.  
Did he run here?  
  
“Can I come in?”  
  
Shirabu rubbed his hands together and Kawanishi noticed that they were red. How long did he wait here out in the cold for him to wake up?  
  
“Yeah, sure.”  
  
He stepped aside and let him in. Kawanishi closed the door behind him and watched him taking of his coat and shoes.  
  
“Do you want a tea? It'll warm you up.”  
  
“I'd love one, thank you.”  
  
  
Kawanishi went into the kitchen and started preparing the tea and Shirabu followed him after a while.  
He burned to ask him why he was here, but he figured it could wait until Shirabu had some tea. His hands were shaking.  
  
“Do you want a hoodie or something? You seem cold.”  
  
Shirabu buried his hands in his pockets as if he tried to hide them.  
  
“No, I'm fine.”  
  
  
Once the tea was ready, they sat down at the table in the kitchen.  
  
“Your parents are not at home?”  
  
“They visit my grandparents.”  
  
“I see.”  
Shirabu took a sip of the still too hot tea, but didn't flinch at all.  
  
“Why are you here?”  
  
Shirabu's hands wrapped tightly around the tea cup for a moment before he let go of it again.  
“I'm worried about you.”  
  
Kawanishi kept quiet.  
  
“You're suddenly so distant and you snapped at people and-”  
  
“I did snap before.”  
  
“But never like this! It was different and.. in some way even scary.”  
Shirabu looked somehow desperate when he said those words.  
  
“..why are you telling me this?”  
  
“Because I need you to go back to normal.”  
  
“Do _you_ need that, or the team?”  
  
Shirabu stared at him.  
“Wha-”  
  
“You need me to go back to normal so I can play volleyball normally again. So I can help the team to win. To make Ushijima fly higher.”  
  
Kawanishi realized he went too far when he saw the expression on Shirabu's face.  
  
“What are you talking about? Ushijima has nothing to do with this! This is about y-”  
  
“He has _everything_ to do with this!”  
Kawanishi knew he should stop himself. Should apologize. But it was too late now.  
“It has always been him! The reason you came to Shiratorizawa was _Ushijima_! The reason you want to be a better setter was _Ushijima again_! You always look at him and him alone and you just-”  
  
Kawanishi clenched his fists and his whole body was shaking. It was rare for him to show such intense emotions. Shirabu was staring at him wide eyed. He didn't expect Kawanishi to react like this when he came here.  
  
“And I can't even be fucking angry at him because it's not even his fault! It's not your fault! It's just...my fault.”  
  
Kawanishi sighed and all anger seemed to have suddenly left his body. He felt Shirabu's eyes on him, but he couldn't get himself to look up at him.  
  
Neither of them said anything for a while. The tea cooled down enough to be drunk without getting their tongues burned, but neither of them cared about that.  
  
Kawanishi sighed again. He was so tired of hiding it.  
  
“I'm just.. angry at myself. Because it's not anyone else's fault. Just mine.”  
  
“What is your fault?”  
  
Kawanishi lifted his head and looked Shirabu in the eyes the first time since he came here.  
“It's my fault that I fell in love with you.”  
  
Shirabu's face fell.  
“You.. what.”  
  
“I love you, Kenjirou.”  
  
Shirabu stared at him like he had said something impossible.  
  
“Can you please stop looking at me like that? Just.. I don't know. Tell me you don't love me back and that's it. Or something like that.”  
  
“But I do.”  
  
“Yeah I guessed tha- wait, what?”  
  
Shirabu blushed a bit, but he was looking into Kawanishi's eyes with such determination that the middle blocker felt a shiver running down his spine.  
  
“I love you, too, Taichi.”  
  
Kawanishi was left speechless. Both from Shirabu confessing to him and using his first name. But also because apparently, his life _was_ a TV drama after all.  
  
“I- but what about Ushijima?”  
  
Shirabu looked away.  
“It's true. I had a crush on him back than and he was the reason I came to Shiratorizawa. But it's over. I came to know him better, and while I still admire him, for both his skills as a volleyball player and the person he is, I understood that I don't want to be together with him in.. that way.”  
  
Kawanishi just listened to him.  
  
“But I did get to know someone who captured my interest, and the more I got to know him, the  
more I wanted to know _about_ him. The more I wanted to be with him. But then he suddenly got all distant and weird.”  
Shirabu bit his lip at this.  
“I got really scared I fucked it up somehow.”  
  
Kawanishi got up so fast, he bumped into the table and spilled the tea. But he didn't care about that. Because he grabbed Shirabu's arm and pulled him from his chair with a yank, right into his arms before he kissed him.  
  
Shirabu, first stiff, wrapped his arms around Kawanishi's neck and held tight onto him when he kissed him back.  
When they parted, Shirabu hid his face in Kawanishi's chest. The tea was dripping down from the table onto the tile, but Kawanishi couldn't care less.  
  
He wrapped his arms tightly around Shirabu and buried his nose in Shirabu's hair.  
  
“This feels like a dream,” he muttered and he could feel Shirabu nod.  
  
“But this is no dream, Mariko,” he continued the dialogue before he could stop himself.  
  
Shirabu shifted and looked up into his face.  
“Who is Mariko?”  
  
Kawanishi blushed and looked somewhere else when he explained it to him.  
When he finished, Shirabu started to laugh.  
  
“Who knew you watch something like this?”  
  
“I don't! It just happened to be on.”  
  
“That makes it even better! Because you recited the dialogue of a series you don't even watch.”  
  
Kawanishi got embarrassed and Shirabu could see it.  
He stopped laughing, but there was still a smile on his lips when he wrapped his arms around Kawanishi's neck again.  
  
“You should definitely show me that drama, don't you think?”  
  
Kawanishi's eyes darted back to him and there was a glint in Shirabu's eyes that took his breath away for a moment.  
  
“Only under one condition,” Kawanishi managed to say, his throat suddenly dry.  
  
Shirabu tilted his head.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“I get to kiss you again.”  
  
Shirabu rolled his eyes at that.  
“You're an idiot.”  
  
He leaned up to him and their lips were so close, almost touching but not quite.  
  
“That,” he whispered “you get to do even without that drama.”  
  
With that Shirabu closed the gap and kissed him.  
Kawanishi felt hot and cold at the same time. His arms tightened around Shirabu's waist. Their kiss got more heated and he was feeling something hard push against his legs from behind.  
The table, he noticed faintly.  
  
He was about to put his hands under Shirabu's shirt when the setter suddenly pulled away.  
  
“Eww!”  
  
“What is it?”  
  
“I stepped into the tea.”  
  
Kawanishi snorted.  
  
“Let's get you some socks then.”  
  
“I'm all in for that but first...”  
  
Shirabu grabbed his collar and pulled him down to kiss him again. Kawanishi's arms automatically shot up to wrap around him and hold him close.  
  
  
And Kawanishi has never been happier before.

**Author's Note:**

> RIP the innocent tea.  
> at least you got your revenge


End file.
